This isn’t a Relationship!
I have been away for a bit from this blog. It’s been a rocky time. I thought when my guy and I got back together we would create something better by adding to what we had and moving forward in bliss. Needless to say that didn’t happen.
We hit a very painful point in our relationship. We had a very destructive fight fueled by jealousy and insecurities on my part and deception and self-righteousness on his part. We sank very low emotionally, isolated for several days, and struggled to connect. It was a dark time.
About a week later we came back together but I chose not to discuss the fight for about 4 weeks. We/I needed time to allow it to diffuse.
Once we did sit down to talk about it, our perceptions were very different about what happened that night. I began to realize we both had to accept and see and try to understand what each of us had experienced. And this began a process for me of realizing I haven’t a clue how to do this relationship. This came as a complete surprise to me!! I’ve been “studying” how to be a good if not great partner for years. I’ve read the books and listened to lectures and have put into practice all of my wonderful skills, which are of course amazing! Yeah, not so much. Talk about humbling.
I realized some things about myself. Whenever there is an issue I always thought it best to talk about it and come to a solution. What I’ve come to understand about this needI have is that it is very selfish and self -serving. You see, because of my history I have carried this belief, “if I talk it all out then I won’t be surprised. I’ll be safe”. The problem with this was that I wasn’t taking into account my guy and his needs. It was all about me. It looked good, I am communicating, but the motivation was not in the right place.
This has led me to see the functional relationship skills have been tools I use, at times, to placate my fears and insecurities. I am realizing this is what I need to focus on, me, my shit.
Woven through my relationship has been this driving force to feel loved, safe, secure, wanted, valued, all “normal” feelings, just not his job to make me feel. It’s my job to feel those feelings and come into the relationship with them. My guy does not need to seeme. I need to be seen. I need to live large, seeing my value and worth and he won’t be able to miss me.
I have felt small, invisible and have lived in my own shadows. I have approached life and relationships and especially this one minimizing my existence. I am very grateful and lucky to have my guy in my life. He is perfect for me at this moment. Who he is, allows me to learn how to be a greater, more secure me. I have to fight my way out of my own shadow and live in my light. And I am attempting to do this each day by choosing life differently. I know it’s about choosing happiness, success, laughter, joy in every moment. I know it is about crying away feelings of lack and loss from my past. I know it is finding out what makes me happy instead of expecting someone to make me happy. I know it is praying, meditating, going to a movie, getting together with a friend, and walking on the beach and anything else to step into my own skin.
So, here we are, my guy and me defining what works for us. We live across the street from each other at the moment. We talk every day, but we don’t necessarily see each other every day, (that’s more what he needs and one of those things that forces me to grow, yuck). We haven’t a plan for the future, (again a need of his and AFGO for me), we are unfolding. And I am learning to allow life to happen and realize I am safe because I have me.
I see now that all my planning and talking and promises were all there for me to feel secure. But for me it was a false sense of security. I need to have security from within. I spend a lot more time alone and I like it. I am taking time to make a life for myself while being in a relationship, which is a different experience for me.
This may not fall into the relationship parameters that I have learned, dreamed of or hoped for but it is a relationship that continues to challenge me to grow and find myself. It may not be a traditionally defined relationship, but it’s ours. I am so grateful for this man in my life. I do love him so.