Be the Change
Be the change you want to see in the world-Mahatma Gandhi
I have been examining myself in some different areas, praying, reading, and performing affirmations. I have been looking to process some feelings of fear and doubt and turn it into faith.
My last blog talked about fear, my feelings related to my ex and my hope there could be a change. Well, there has been a change. My ex, the absolute love of my life, asked me to spend the rest of our lives together. I was in total shock as I had reached a point where I had closed the door on the possibility of reconciliation. I had joined POF, a dating site, had gone on a date. I was forcing myself to go out and practice the art of moving on, attempting to shift my focus so I could start a new life.
Then he asked to talk. My ex, I guess now my guy had never expressed verbally a desire to spend his life with me. There was never the verbal commitment in all the years we were together. When he asked me to talk, he admitted he was never fully committed previously, and expressed his desire to spend his life with me. I said yes.
I need to take a few steps back. About 2 months ago I began reading a book, upon my mother’s suggestion, called When the Man in Your Life Can’t Commitby Dr. David Hawkins. It talked about many different aspects of commitment, some related to societal pressures/roles, many spiritual/biblical stories and defined some basic commitment strategies. It allowed me to understand my guy in a different light, have compassion for him and see that it’s not just him that may have difficulties committing. It also allowed me to look at my commitment issues especially where vulnerability is at stake. I realized I am a flight risk, emotionally and physically, when I become hurt or feel afraid.
I initially began reading this book so I could not make the same mistakes with my next partner. Perhaps it could help me recognize the “signs” that were present, the ones I might have missed, in my “love is blind“ phase in the past. I continued to read the book after we reunited to understand what aspects Dr. Hawkins was suggesting needed to be present to have a truly committed relationship. Dr. Hawkins gave various components to commitment, dedication to each other’s welfare, responsibility to each other, tolerance of life’s storms, and others. I feel these suggestions are a great foundational tool to use as a reminder of what I need to show I am committed.
Back to my “yes” moment. I suppose after my guy expressed his desire to spend his life with me, I thought I would feel an overwhelming sense of joy. I had gotten an amazing gift, my guy, whom had filled my heart, wanted to create a life with me. It was an answer to my prayers, emotional work, my pain, and my growth. But what I was left with was fear. Again this nagging anxiety, overwhelming panic, that I would be hurt again, abandoned, disappointed. I have begun to feel if I can’t rectify this feeling of doom, I may lose him due to sabotage of my own doing. I wanted to sprint toward sorting out every issue, to feel safe and secure. I needed to realize I am in a marathon and need to breathe.
I began to pray more, do more affirmations, and share with my guy my fears, to show my most vulnerable self. Still, this fear had taken up house in the center of my chest. Then, I stopped doing and began to listen. I listened to my inside voice from deep within.
I realized all I needed to do is be the person in this relationship that I wanted in return. I needed to show him love and trust, unconditional love. I needed to be in the moment and not obsess about what will happen tomorrow, later, or what happened in the past. I needed to find faith, believe in the process and us and take a risk. As I have stated in previous blogs, I understand love will hurt. I need to be willing to practice vulnerability, compassion, trust, joy, everything, so I can receive all that there is to receive.
As I have started to be the change I want to see in this relationship, I am being blessed with the rewards of feeling desired and wanted, loved. I am learning to own my fear, sink into it and not run from it. I am learning to find its origin and breathe past it and come back to the moment. I am realizing I am my foundation, my own security. In the past 9 months, since the original split, I have grown, gained strength and confidence in myself. I am seeing myself, my accomplishments and I understand I want this man to walk beside me and me along side him. Join each other on our walk through life.
I was getting ready for work today and realized I was feeling something deep inside, almost like a giggle gurgling within. I quieted my mind, felt for a moment and then it came to me. It’s joy. Not yet coming to the surface, lying beneath, brewing. It’s joy based on me, my foundation, my friendships, my family, my accomplishments and confidences gained. It’s joy that my Love is in my life. It will come to the surface when I’m ready to feel it fully. I’m just telling myself, keep being the change you want to see.