In Whom Do I Trust?
In my last writing I talked a bit about faith and hope. I have been juggling my thoughts as to where do I put my faith or trust. When my break up happened, I came face to face with many of my fears and insecurities. Financially I wondered if I could go from splitting life expenses to carrying the load by myself. My reaction was to put my head down, face the issue and do what needed to be done. I worked more, saved, got another job and made it happen.
As far as my confidence when it came to my esteem, who I am, I felt fear as well. I am in the second half of my life and not sure if who I am is attractive to anyone. Do I have sex appeal? (okay, I’m cute, fit, but not 20 or even 30), do I have anything interesting to say?, what are my endearing qualities?
What I began to recognize was fear was a large part of my life. This looming feeling was directing, or at least a driving presence in my life. It became apparent to me that I needed to find faith. I needed to find a way to believe in something or someone so I could build confidence in myself and in my life.
So where do I find faith?? I am not a religious person. My relationship with the God that I was brought up knowing is nonexistent. That God I found to be judgmental, damning, punishing and not based in love. It has not been a relationship that I fostered and honestly abandoned years ago.
I attempted the “new age” thought of universal love, collective energy as a guiding force. I must say this never really stuck for me either. It wasn’t tangible enough for me. I didn’t know how to ask for help or direction from a nebulous “thing”.
So, I’ve been going through life, feeling if I did the best I could, good things would come my way. If I do good, good will happen basically was my thought. The problem with this is I do my best and sometimes not so great things still can happen. And in truth, the not great things began to get interpreted as me not doing life perfect, which is impossible, and yet I used this to beat my self up emotionally.
I realized I needed a new plan.
I recently returned from Ireland and on that trip a wonderful lady gave me a cross and a prayer book. They were intended for a client of mine who is going through a rough physical time but we haven’t connected so I still have both in my possession.
I remembered being told there was a specific prayer in the pamphlet that could be read and would be very powerful. I searched and couldn’t find the prayer but came upon this:
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your Holy Will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
I began to hold the cross and read this prayer every day. I liked the thought of not despairing, no more dark moments. I didn’t want to become despondent due to fear and uncertainties, I always want to be moving forward. I like submitting myself to Love and Mercy that exists within me. This prayer feels like it allows me to believe in me. To believe in my ability to give myself a break, not judge, know I am doing my best. To have a knowing I will find my way through life, past the fear.
I was talking to my mom the other day and I was expressing how I am doing well financially, making the solo decisions that need to be made, sorting out my life after my break up and still I couldn’t find the confidence I felt should exist when achieving success. I still felt such strong feelings of being afraid. Some of this fear was still based in my past, something I need to let go of. Part of the fear is of the unknown, I don’t want to be surprised. Want to have all the bases covered so nothing bad can happen. Then I realized I won’t find joy and experience all that life has to offer if I am unwilling to take risks. Risks are necessary in life! Well, my life. The saying, “no risk, no reward”, is true right?
So, by finding faith, faith in myself, through this prayer that I will be led through life with love and mercy was a gift. I forget so quickly to allow myself to be human, feel, take chances, fail and be merciful with myself. Fear may always be a presence in my life, perhaps something I just need to acknowledge, and continue to move through.
I believe my confidence will grow as I find my way through experiences I may have done with someone before, to now doing solo.
Fear seems to arise for me when I am not trusting. Perhaps I put my trust in people who weren’t trust worthy. Maybe they are just human and I need to extend mercy.
For now, I am trusting faith. A belief in love and mercy, which exists in me.