Hi my friends. I haven’t written in a while as I have not felt very inspired and truthfully was going through a bit of a dark place. It has been a challenge at moments to hold onto hope that there actually is a light at the end of this tunnel.
This morning I was walking back from the mailbox and looked up at the sky, extended my arms to open to the day, possibilities and for a moment I felt true, deep in my soul happiness. I have felt this before, but not for at least 6 months. It is a glimpse at the light that exists even when it is dark and I am unable to find my way towards it. Today, I know it is there and have renewed hope to build on. I will be happy again.
So here I am back at it, whether anyone is out there with me or not. I am going to share some of my recent experiences and realizations. I mentioned that I have ventured into the dating world. Perhaps a better way to explain is to say I’ve dipped a toe into the dating pond. I have found it laden with leeches, over run by frogs, murky, smelly and ultimately an unpleasant experience.
What I am finding in my very brief venture out there, (this is admittedly limited knowledge due to limited experience), is people lie, want to only have sex, push hard for the end result and did I include lie. It is a tough world to go out and date and I feel ill equipped to be successful. I have tried to approach this from a couple different angles.
The first was let me just have fun and play, fool around. The truth is, this has never been me. I like being with one person, devoting my time, focus, love and energy in one specific direction to have the most success possible. So I’m really not sure why I thought this was a good idea or even one that would work for me. But I stated it as my mission. Oh and the other glitch in this “approach” is I can’t fool around. It has never left me feeling good about myself (whether guilt from religious upbringing, values instilled in me or my own moral compass), I always wake up with regret and feel I have done something wrong. I end up having to do so much work to get my esteem back to a healthy place it never seems worth the effort of the act. And still, I thought let me try this.
Fooling around, being an adult, sharing a sexual experience is fun. It just isn’t for me. For all the reasons previously stated and another aspect I realized and need to accept about myself is I like the sexual act to be surrounded by love. I just do. So, I nix this little experiment and feel lucky that I have learned something about myself. I need to honor this truth and move on from here. I told my mom I will be going to an adult store and buying myself a little friend, wink, wink.
So next part of the experiment of dating, (because it does feel like a science project, will it blow up? Will it even work? What will happen?), going out and sharing a dinner, movie or other activity where you get to know someone slowly. As I have stated in a previous blog I’m a single mom, I work a lot and I have little time. If I actually get to know someone slowly I will have one foot in the grave! I understand it takes time to get to know someone, I have every other weekend where I don’t have my daughter and the occasional sleepover she may have with a friend. That’s it!! I need to be on the getting to know someone fast track. I just don’t have time for this shit.
And I’m going to address something here. I have been told I need to learn to like being alone. I need to learn how to be by myself, enjoy me. Get good at it. F==K that!!
I’m on my own, every day. I make decisions about my life, my children’s lives, my house, my career, everything. There is no other human here doing this with me. I am learning how to navigate things I did as a couple to now doing it alone. I do go to dinner alone, a movie by myself. I am trying new activities, even in my limited time. I’m good. I want a partnership. I like being a part of a partnership. What I won’t do is accept just anyone to fill that spot. That would not work for me.
Back to my fast track dating, getting to know someone has also brought about its challenges and opportunities for emotional growth. I’m a sharer. I don’t really feel the need to hold back. I don’t lie about my age, my history, or my feelings. As my therapist says, “Holly, you’re transparent and you believe others will be too”. I guess this is true. I’m very accepting, forgiving, and extremely loving. I can see the best in others. Look for the best, as I know it is there in most people. I get excited when I do meet someone I like. I WANT to know them. Pick up cues as to whether they really want to know me. It’s a fun dance. The swaying and texting and two stepping and chatting. It’s fun, the process of learning about someone new.
And here comes my life lesson. I can go too fast. I realize I can confuse my own excitement with a real connection or a connection that could develop into a relationship. I also have learned my ability to be honest, my comfort with my feelings and my ability to share them, and my true desire to connect with people is a gift. I am finding it is not usual for people, men in this instance, to feel as though they are heard or seen by a partner. Listen I know I put on my best self when I am dating. I set up my A game. There will be cracks in time showing my limits, faults or shortcomings. We all have them. I completely accept this about myself and I know and accept this about others. We are all just trying to do our best. What I found though is in my dating men find my approach different. Truth is, I’m a guys gal. Like sports but still have a certain sex appeal. I’m not demanding, pretty laid back.
Then why haven’t I found the next partner? My match? Well what I am also realizing is I can find compatibility, companionship, caring and even a love and still it is not the connection, the love connection I want to feel. I have been lucky enough to be loved greatly and to have loved greatly. I am hoping I can feel that again. There is so much that is swirling around trying to make it all come together in a relationship. Is there chemistry, is there trust, communication, shared interests, laughter, fun and ultimately love.
My venturing out into the dating world has come to a halt for the moment. I am processing feelings from being out there, well not out but I may have let my feet soak for a bit in the pond. I do need to go slow and trust myself, trust I will know when I have met the person I want to try again with. Starting new is challenging. It’s so scary and unfamiliar. I’m thinking I need to try a different approach. I’m slowing down, listening to my internal cues, honoring what I want first and valuing those who cross my path for what they do bring to my life. I did feel happy today so I do know there is hope.