The Eye of The Storm
I am venturing into the dating world. Well, I was strongly encouraged by my brother to “get out there” and by this he meant join a dating site. I have never been on a dating site, never really needed to before this time in my life. After venturing into the dating site world I’m not sure I ever need to go there again.
I did a bit of research as to the cheapest sites, the easiest to join with the least amount of commitment and what each site offered, (actual dates, sex, or companionship). I put up a basic profile, feeling very un-invested. I immediately started receiving winks and nods and messages and holy shit!! I have a bit of a completion nature so as I saw these messages popping up I thought I should not be rude and I needed to at least respond if not to just politely decline. That’s when I found out they wanted my credit card or I couldn’t answer the messages and the dings kept coming and I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and decided best for me to just delete my profile and accept online dating was not for me.
Plan B: A guy whom my path had crossed over the years with casual hellos, asked me to dinner after my break up and I felt it was too early for me to date even if just for dinner. He was recently “passing by” on FB and said the dinner offer was still available and I immediately said yes before I could change my mind. There you go my brother, I am out there!
My time to go out is limited as I am a single mom and my daughter goes to her dad’s every other weekend. So this gentleman and I went out a couple times during a single weekend, a movie, dinner, and my house to hang out. It was more comfortable than I imagined it would be and I had a good time. Until…the beginning of the storm.
You see I am not a dater. Never have been. There is a running joke about lesbians, they meet go on a date and move in together. I have tended to lean in this direction of dating. My history has been when I have met someone, they become my focus and I build a relationship with them. I have never played the field in my “adult” life. In wanting to perhaps do things differently to try and get a different result, I thought I would date for a while at this time, go slow and see where I land.
This concept was in complete opposition of what this gentleman wanted and blew away my whole lesbian theory because he was all in and wanted to be in a committed relationship with me.
After some discussions, me acknowledging us needing/wanting different things right now, him apologizing for moving so fast, I stated I thought it best we stay friends instead of pursuing something romantic. We have since met for drinks and I enjoy his company, and he has again stated he would like to date and I have politely declined, as my position hasn’t changed.
Plan C: How about just sex. I know I am still working to get over my ex and not ready for a whole relationship. I am a vibrant woman with “needs/desires” and one of my best friends said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. So hell, let’s go for a ride. Needless to say, this is not for me. I am a heart girl; I invest (as stated earlier, meet, pursue, end in a relationship, duh Holly, did you not remember?), so this was definitely not the way to go.
Plan D: Date. Work. Parent. Friends. Not necessarily in that order or frequency.
So, here I am in the midst of my latest adventure (putting a positive spin on it today), of dating, working, parenting and I am acutely aware of how off balance I feel. What I have realized is my life was very busy when I was with my ex but we had created a center, a home base so to speak. This home base provided a security, a respite from all the craziness whirling around me, the cyclone of life that existed. I found comfort with him, in him and would come back to our center, our home when I needed to recharge.
My life is no less crazy, perhaps even more. I work more, balance parenting on my own, visit with friends, date, self analyze, run in circles, and do it over and over, round and round.
And he is not here.
This past weekend I was sorting out some feelings. A current situation providing me the opportunity to visit a past wound that needs to heal. What I realized was I need to be my own center, my haven in the midst of the cyclone that is going around me. I needed to throw my ex into the whirling that exists and exit him from my home base, my eye of the storm. I need to plant my feet on the ground and allow the people and situations to spin around me, observing them but not being thrown off balance. This is a new challenge. I am meditating, (Which is totally not my thing because it requires me to sit and be quiet with myself. I’m up to 2 mins), I am drawing a Tao card to provide guidance for my day, I am exercising, and I am working to be my haven.
My brother gave me another tool, this one a bit more useful than the dating site suggestion. He told me to put my name on one side of a paper and others on the opposite side. Under my name I was to list what I do for me and on the other side what I do for others. He stated I needed to see if there was an imbalance, and if there was, it wasn’t good to be imbalanced in favor of others. This is an amazing exercise that I continue to give a lot of thought. As I started listing under my name, I came up with 2 things I do solely for myself, and I wasn’t willing to list showering, brushing my teeth or things of that nature. TWO things. How can I possibly be my haven, my rock, my comfort, and my home if I am not attending to me?! I am searching for other experiences, activities or groups I can participate in that feed my soul, and connect me more to myself.
So my friends, here I am. A lone woman, standing in the center of my cyclone, planting my feet, learning how to care for and comfort myself. I’m learning to observe my life (wisdom from my mom), with out being emotionally shaken by it all the time (not yet successful with this concept, still a lot of tears).
I am grateful for the storm though, it is teaching me so much as are the people and their emotions that are whirling around. It’s helping me practice compassion, boundaries, indifference and love. I am feeling the swift wind and I get smacked a bit by the debris from time to time but I’m still standing and I’m standing alone.