The Art of Deception
The definition of deceive is to mislead or falsely persuade. Deception is then the action of deceiving. As I continue to grow away from the ending of my last relationship, I actively look at myself, my actions and behaviors, in the past and present, so I may evolve and change. I am the only person I have control over and constantly must bring the focus back on myself and look for ways to make my life what I would like it to be.
Needless to say, I have observed A LOT! and heard from friends, family and strangers a whole basket full of “what I should do or be doing”. I believe all meant with great intentions and sometimes I’m sure just to get me to stop talking about the pain and sadness.
In all this information gathering I have come to some conclusions I’d like to share. I was deceived in my relationship. It certainly is an act that destroys trust. It would seem the trust lost would be between the two people, and for me this was true, but I also lost trust in myself. I didn’t understand how I could not know where we were heading. How did I not see this coming? I was happy. I thought we both were.
As a result, I have come to recognize I don’t trust my judgments or observations. I find myself second guessing and looking for confirmation from books, videos, friends, my therapist and my mother. I want to be sure I’m not going to make the same mistakes that will lead me down a similar path of pain, disappointment and heartbreak. I have blamed my ex, at least in my mind, for this destruction of confidence in my choices. That lasted about a good 10 minutes until I had to be honest with myself and take a closer look at me.
Recently there was an event my ex was involved with that was the culmination of years of work and relationship building. This event was a beginning to a dream we had planned and researched and spent a lot of years together focusing on. It was our future. I wasn’t included in the event, which may sound perfectly normal, except my ex and I run in the same circles with the same people. I see him on a regular basis. We are friendly and loving toward each other, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am a kind person and have always exited relationships with kindness and love.
So back to this situation, I was hurt. Well actually devastated to not be included. It may not be our dream any longer, and still I wanted to celebrate with him. I wanted to be there and cheer him on because I know how hard he has worked. I am so happy for him and I wanted to be a part of the excitement. Being left out by him specifically hurt me badly.
Through this pain I began to realize something very important for me. This wasn’t pretty to face but, I was the deceiver. I have continued to deceive myself, falsely persuade me. I have in my grieving of this relationship, created illusions and falsehoods. I have misled my heart down a path with my thoughts, beliefs, my unwillingness to face the truth and with my actions. I established a story that wasn’t true and validated it by twisting what was real, deceiving. Perhaps it was to give myself hope. I’m sure to salve the pain and loneliness. In some instances I know it was to help me feel I am not lacking and to alleviate me of blame for the ending of this relationship.
The reasons are insignificant. The reality is I need to be willing to stop telling myself lies. My ex told me he lied because he didn’t want to hurt me. I lied to myself because ultimately I wanted to stop hurting. So how do I stop this madness??
I have come to understand I need to accept what is. I need to see what IS right now. I can no longer look to see the potential in him, or anyone else that may cross my path. I need to be willing to observe and acknowledge the behaviors and actions that are right now. I need to find the courage to stop giving myself false hope and do things in my life that will give me real hope.
I need to create new dreams for myself. I need to find ways to inspire my heart and find a way to “sing” and hear music again. I need to make the choice to be happy again in a new way, each day and sometimes, moment to moment. I have to be willing to allow new experiences and people into my life and trust myself to “see” them for what or who they are.
I won’t deny I’m still hurting. I thought it was decreasing and this situation knocked me on my ass. But in part, in large part, it was my own doing. My fantasies got shattered. My illusions were brought to light. I need to be willing to face life with my eyes and heart open. I need to see truth as it is and not what I want it to be.
When I pause, look around me, take in the day, the sounds, the smells, the people, I do find hope.
I know I will feel deep love again. I know I have deep love in my life now with family and friends. I will learn to trust myself again. I’ve been willing to forgive others that have deceived me, I believe it’s time I forgive myself.
It’s okay, I’m still learning.