The Eye of The Storm

The Eye of The Storm

 

I am venturing into the dating world. Well, I was strongly encouraged by my brother to “get out there” and by this he meant join a dating site. I have never been on a dating site, never really needed to before this time in my life. After venturing into the dating site world I’m not sure I ever need to go there again.

I did a bit of research as to the cheapest sites, the easiest to join with the least amount of commitment and what each site offered, (actual dates, sex, or companionship). I put up a basic profile, feeling very un-invested. I immediately started receiving winks and nods and messages and holy shit!! I have a bit of a completion nature so as I saw these messages popping up I thought I should not be rude and I needed to at least respond if not to just politely decline. That’s when I found out they wanted my credit card or I couldn’t answer the messages and the dings kept coming and I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and decided best for me to just delete my profile and accept online dating was not for me.

Plan B: A guy whom my path had crossed over the years with casual hellos, asked me to dinner after my break up and I felt it was too early for me to date even if just for dinner. He was recently “passing by” on FB and said the dinner offer was still available and I immediately said yes before I could change my mind. There you go my brother, I am out there!

My time to go out is limited as I am a single mom and my daughter goes to her dad’s every other weekend. So this gentleman and I went out a couple times during a single weekend, a movie, dinner, and my house to hang out. It was more comfortable than I imagined it would be and I had a good time. Until…the beginning of the storm.

You see I am not a dater. Never have been. There is a running joke about lesbians, they meet go on a date and move in together. I have tended to lean in this direction of dating. My history has been when I have met someone, they become my focus and I build a relationship with them. I have never played the field in my “adult” life. In wanting to perhaps do things differently to try and get a different result, I thought I would date for a while at this time, go slow and see where I land.

This concept was in complete opposition of what this gentleman wanted and blew away my whole lesbian theory because he was all in and wanted to be in a committed relationship with me.

After some discussions, me acknowledging us needing/wanting different things right now, him apologizing for moving so fast, I stated I thought it best we stay friends instead of pursuing something romantic. We have since met for drinks and I enjoy his company, and he has again stated he would like to date and I have politely declined, as my position hasn’t changed.

Plan C: How about just sex. I know I am still working to get over my ex and not ready for a whole relationship. I am a vibrant woman with “needs/desires” and one of my best friends said, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. So hell, let’s go for a ride. Needless to say, this is not for me. I am a heart girl; I invest (as stated earlier, meet, pursue, end in a relationship, duh Holly, did you not remember?), so this was definitely not the way to go.

Plan D: Date. Work. Parent. Friends. Not necessarily in that order or frequency.

So, here I am in the midst of my latest adventure (putting a positive spin on it today), of dating, working, parenting and I am acutely aware of how off balance I feel. What I have realized is my life was very busy when I was with my ex but we had created a center, a home base so to speak. This home base provided a security, a respite from all the craziness whirling around me, the cyclone of life that existed. I found comfort with him, in him and would come back to our center, our home when I needed to recharge.

My life is no less crazy, perhaps even more. I work more, balance parenting on my own, visit with friends, date, self analyze, run in circles, and do it over and over, round and round.

And he is not here.

This past weekend I was sorting out some feelings. A current situation providing me the opportunity to visit a past wound that needs to heal. What I realized was I need to be my own center, my haven in the midst of the cyclone that is going around me. I needed to throw my ex into the whirling that exists and exit him from my home base, my eye of the storm. I need to plant my feet on the ground and allow the people and situations to spin around me, observing them but not being thrown off balance. This is a new challenge. I am meditating, (Which is totally not my thing because it requires me to sit and be quiet with myself. I’m up to 2 mins), I am drawing a Tao card to provide guidance for my day, I am exercising, and I am working to be my haven.

My brother gave me another tool, this one a bit more useful than the dating site suggestion. He told me to put my name on one side of a paper and others on the opposite side. Under my name I was to list what I do for me and on the other side what I do for others. He stated I needed to see if there was an imbalance, and if there was, it wasn’t good to be imbalanced in favor of others. This is an amazing exercise that I continue to give a lot of thought. As I started listing under my name, I came up with 2 things I do solely for myself, and I wasn’t willing to list showering, brushing my teeth or things of that nature. TWO things. How can I possibly be my haven, my rock, my comfort, and my home if I am not attending to me?! I am searching for other experiences, activities or groups I can participate in that feed my soul, and connect me more to myself.

So my friends, here I am. A lone woman, standing in the center of my cyclone, planting my feet, learning how to care for and comfort myself. I’m learning to observe my life (wisdom from my mom), with out being emotionally shaken by it all the time (not yet successful with this concept, still a lot of tears).

I am grateful for the storm though, it is teaching me so much as are the people and their emotions that are whirling around. It’s helping me practice compassion, boundaries, indifference and love. I am feeling the swift wind and I get smacked a bit by the debris from time to time but I’m still standing and I’m standing alone.

The Art of Deception

The Art of Deception

 

The definition of deceive is to mislead or falsely persuade. Deception is then the action of deceiving. As I continue to grow away from the ending of my last relationship, I actively look at myself, my actions and behaviors, in the past and present, so I may evolve and change. I am the only person I have control over and constantly must bring the focus back on myself and look for ways to make my life what I would like it to be.

Needless to say, I have observed A LOT! and heard from friends, family and strangers a whole basket full of “what I should do or be doing”. I believe all meant with great intentions and sometimes I’m sure just to get me to stop talking about the pain and sadness.

In all this information gathering I have come to some conclusions I’d like to share. I was deceived in my relationship. It certainly is an act that destroys trust. It would seem the trust lost would be between the two people, and for me this was true, but I also lost trust in myself. I didn’t understand how I could not know where we were heading. How did I not see this coming? I was happy. I thought we both were.

As a result, I have come to recognize I don’t trust my judgments or observations. I find myself second guessing and looking for confirmation from books, videos, friends, my therapist and my mother. I want to be sure I’m not going to make the same mistakes that will lead me down a similar path of pain, disappointment and heartbreak. I have blamed my ex, at least in my mind, for this destruction of confidence in my choices. That lasted about a good 10 minutes until I had to be honest with myself and take a closer look at me.

Recently there was an event my ex was involved with that was the culmination of years of work and relationship building. This event was a beginning to a dream we had planned and researched and spent a lot of years together focusing on. It was our future. I wasn’t included in the event, which may sound perfectly normal, except my ex and I run in the same circles with the same people. I see him on a regular basis. We are friendly and loving toward each other, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am a kind person and have always exited relationships with kindness and love.

So back to this situation, I was hurt. Well actually devastated to not be included. It may not be our dream any longer, and still I wanted to celebrate with him. I wanted to be there and cheer him on because I know how hard he has worked. I am so happy for him and I wanted to be a part of the excitement. Being left out by him specifically hurt me badly.

Through this pain I began to realize something very important for me. This wasn’t pretty to face but, I was the deceiver. I have continued to deceive myself, falsely persuade me. I have in my grieving of this relationship, created illusions and falsehoods. I have misled my heart down a path with my thoughts, beliefs, my unwillingness to face the truth and with my actions. I established a story that wasn’t true and validated it by twisting what was real, deceiving. Perhaps it was to give myself hope. I’m sure to salve the pain and loneliness. In some instances I know it was to help me feel I am not lacking and to alleviate me of blame for the ending of this relationship.

The reasons are insignificant. The reality is I need to be willing to stop telling myself lies. My ex told me he lied because he didn’t want to hurt me. I lied to myself because ultimately I wanted to stop hurting. So how do I stop this madness??

I have come to understand I need to accept what is. I need to see what IS right now. I can no longer look to see the potential in him, or anyone else that may cross my path. I need to be willing to observe and acknowledge the behaviors and actions that are right now. I need to find the courage to stop giving myself false hope and do things in my life that will give me real hope.

I need to create new dreams for myself. I need to find ways to inspire my heart and find a way to “sing” and hear music again. I need to make the choice to be happy again in a new way, each day and sometimes, moment to moment. I have to be willing to allow new experiences and people into my life and trust myself to “see” them for what or who they are.

I won’t deny I’m still hurting. I thought it was decreasing and this situation knocked me on my ass. But in part, in large part, it was my own doing. My fantasies got shattered. My illusions were brought to light. I need to be willing to face life with my eyes and heart open. I need to see truth as it is and not what I want it to be.

When I pause, look around me, take in the day, the sounds, the smells, the people, I do find hope.

I know I will feel deep love again. I know I have deep love in my life now with family and friends. I will learn to trust myself again. I’ve been willing to forgive others that have deceived me, I believe it’s time I forgive myself.

It’s okay, I’m still learning.