There is a saying, at least I think there is, and it goes something like this, you write what you know or what you need to learn.
I know heartbreak. As I mentioned in my last blog entry My Love of 5 years has decided he needs to sort out his feelings and figure out if he can truly commit to this relationship.
We are 2 ½ weeks into his move out and I have asked him to take his things so I may find my way to a new beginning for myself. Today is D-day and tonight when I come home, it will feel even emptier than it has felt these past 2 ½ weeks.
I have had a lot of quiet time, well in between my over indulging in heart wrenching love story movies that always seem to work out better than real life, UGH! Any way, I have taken time to be quiet and feel what is in my heart. I have needed to examine my behaviors, my shortcomings and where I may have contributed to the break down of this relationship. I want to be successful in a relationship. In truth I feel I have been successful and still I know there are always ways I can improve. The end result was not what I wanted.
Back to broken heartedness. In my reading, talking, listening to YouTube experts there are many ways to overcome the pain that can accompany a relationship ending.
I will share my walk so far in my current situation. I have established with my first blog that my first priority is to act with love. I have absolutely loved and adored this man for the last 5 years. I did not waiver, my passion did not diminish, I never stopped being thrilled with the fact that I was still getting to know him. Feeling this love, was a great gift and I needed to exit this relationship with the same love. OK, maybe not the same, I have needed to establish some internal boundaries, but none the less, with love.
You see, I too have been confused in previous situations about where my heart was drawn. I have been conflicted about a relationship and questioned if I wanted to stay. Judging My Love for doing the same only would lead me to judge myself. This has never been productive for me.
I love him. Want him happy. Think he’s making a HUGE mistake, but truly how can I determine that for him. It is my pain that wants to dictate the outcome.
So what do I do with all this hurt and sadness? I feel it, I exercise, I drink, I talk, I get together with friends, I do some activities, (I painted a bathroom). I put one foot in front of the other. I am trying to breathe. I cry. I lose faith and I get stuck in false hope. I move forward and I fall back.
You see there is no magic answer to getting through a break up. We each do the best we can. For me I must be true to myself, no matter what. And to be honest I have been a bitch in this process and have needed to apologize. For me to live with me, I need to remain true to who I desire to be even in these depths of pain. People tell me this will pass and if/when it does I need to still be able to look at myself and feel good about my behaviors during this break up.
I love this man. I’m very sad that our time as it was is done. Now, I must examine my life, pick a direction and hope that one day this pain I feel in my chest will dissipate. Everyone says give it time. Log the days. One day I will sleep a full night, one day I won’t wake up and begin my day crying, one day, they say it will come one day.