The Rainbow of Relationships

The Rainbow of Relationships

If you have been following this blog you know I have recently had My Love move out and my relationship of 5 years has ended. I am continuing to walk through this sad and confusing time and I wanted to take a break from writing about it and put my focus elsewhere, well sort of.

I was thinking the other day about the various people in my life and how each person plays a different role. I never really thought I compartmentalized my relationships but through observation I was able to recognize how the people in my life story were significant in a myriad of ways but also very individualized ways too.

I would say my most important relationship, outside of myself, is my mom. We have been on a relationship journey, outside the normal parent/child dynamic, for over 30 years. I know she is in my life to teach me and I certainly have felt an amazing amount of love and support through difficult times and especially recently. She is my “go to gal”. I call her at any time day or night and she is available to hear me. I am able to tell her what I need and she respects and works very hard to provide the specific emotional support I am asking for. She cheers me on, even when I feel like I am dragging my ass along in life. She tells me I am doing great and also confronts my unproductive behaviors and thoughts. She is a constant source of support and I am blessed to have her in my life. We haven’t always had this relationship, like I said it has been years in the making, but it has grown to something very deep and very valuable to me. I am grateful.

Stemming from there, because I see her as my core support, I have been surprised by the unfolding of connectedness from a variety of people that has occurred during this time period for me. My son had an interesting conversation with me, explaining to me how men operate (through his eyes), need space to figure things out and seemingly can usually focus on one thing at a time. His youthful and honest insights brought me some peace when I was feeling turmoil.

I have my friend M, who has approached me with nonjudgmental support, especially throughout this process and also is a soul sister for me. We can talk about our desire to self reflect, our attempts to be more loving and accepting of ourselves and others, as well as share our shitty thoughts about life as we know it. I can go to her and say, “what do I do?” and she most often replies, “you’re doing it and you’re doing it great!” M will leave her house and husband, (who is a total gem btw), to meet me for a martini so I can express my crazy thoughts about my plans to sell everything in my house and move to another country to try to get over My Love and she will calmly say, “well maybe you want to take some time and think on that one”. We laugh, we cry and most of all we share. She sees Me and that is an amazing gift she gives me.

Now, L is my balls to the wall gal pal. She has taken me out to let my hair down, so to speak, even when all I wanted to do was cry. I have gone to her many times and she is the tougher no BS voice in my life. I was trying to get My Love to move his stuff out, in my time, and when he seemed to be dragging his feet a bit, L said “sell his shit on craigslist and give him the cash”. Another suggestion was, “bag that shit up and set it out front”. She was also the friend who sent me a link to a cowboy dating site the day she heard My Love had moved out. She thought the best thing would be to move on. Although her approach is not necessarily my way of doing things, I always feel a sense of solidarity from her. She has also communicated that no matter what she and her husband will be here for me AND My Love. That also has brought me comfort because we have both always benefitted from the friendship of L and her husband. They have and will always be our family.

Now in this rainbow of relationships there are others who have played a role. Clients who have become friendly over the years have shown support by laughing with me, encouraging me, bringing me gifts and always offering prayers or positive thoughts that all will work out for the best.

I also have peripheral friends who have reached out and said how disappointed and shocked they are and that if I need anything to let them know. I get sent fun photos that will hopefully lighten my days as well as messages about keeping my head high and chin up as this will all pass. Most of all, people want to make it clear I am not alone. Not in this process and not in life.

Fostering these relationships are important and require different skills for the depth of each diverse connection. It is imperative I give each person the time and attention necessary to maintain the ties that exist. The energy I put into each relationship varies, from day to day and often season to season. The efforts still need to be present so these valuable partnerships can grow.

I know this is my journey, my life is mine and in fact I am alone. It is my responsibility to see me, love me, take care of my needs. It has felt wonderful to feel the support and love from so many people. It’s been nice to know, in times of joy or in times of sadness, my experiences, my “lone” walk through life, is made vibrant with my rainbow of relationships.

Thank you all.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak

 

There is a saying, at least I think there is, and it goes something like this, you write what you know or what you need to learn.

I know heartbreak. As I mentioned in my last blog entry My Love of 5 years has decided he needs to sort out his feelings and figure out if he can truly commit to this relationship.

We are 2 ½ weeks into his move out and I have asked him to take his things so I may find my way to a new beginning for myself. Today is D-day and tonight when I come home, it will feel even emptier than it has felt these past 2 ½ weeks.

I have had a lot of quiet time, well in between my over indulging in heart wrenching love story movies that always seem to work out better than real life, UGH! Any way, I have taken time to be quiet and feel what is in my heart. I have needed to examine my behaviors, my shortcomings and where I may have contributed to the break down of this relationship. I want to be successful in a relationship. In truth I feel I have been successful and still I know there are always ways I can improve. The end result was not what I wanted.

Back to broken heartedness. In my reading, talking, listening to YouTube experts there are many ways to overcome the pain that can accompany a relationship ending.

I will share my walk so far in my current situation. I have established with my first blog that my first priority is to act with love. I have absolutely loved and adored this man for the last 5 years. I did not waiver, my passion did not diminish, I never stopped being thrilled with the fact that I was still getting to know him. Feeling this love, was a great gift and I needed to exit this relationship with the same love. OK, maybe not the same, I have needed to establish some internal boundaries, but none the less, with love.

You see, I too have been confused in previous situations about where my heart was drawn. I have been conflicted about a relationship and questioned if I wanted to stay. Judging My Love for doing the same only would lead me to judge myself. This has never been productive for me.

I love him. Want him happy. Think he’s making a HUGE mistake, but truly how can I determine that for him. It is my pain that wants to dictate the outcome.

So what do I do with all this hurt and sadness? I feel it, I exercise, I drink, I talk, I get together with friends, I do some activities, (I painted a bathroom). I put one foot in front of the other. I am trying to breathe. I cry. I lose faith and I get stuck in false hope. I move forward and I fall back.

You see there is no magic answer to getting through a break up. We each do the best we can. For me I must be true to myself, no matter what. And to be honest I have been a bitch in this process and have needed to apologize. For me to live with me, I need to remain true to who I desire to be even in these depths of pain. People tell me this will pass and if/when it does I need to still be able to look at myself and feel good about my behaviors during this break up.

I love this man. I’m very sad that our time as it was is done. Now, I must examine my life, pick a direction and hope that one day this pain I feel in my chest will dissipate. Everyone says give it time. Log the days. One day I will sleep a full night, one day I won’t wake up and begin my day crying, one day, they say it will come one day.

Letting Go

Letting Go

 

I was driving to work the other day and saw an opening in the clouds and felt inspired to pray. My prayers are generally directed toward the universe and the general good that exists out in the world.

I was inspired to pray because my boyfriend has moved out, determining he needs to figure out some of his own issues. There has been a time frame set on this break, which could eventually lead to a break up. I have been devastated, and processing my own feelings of loss and aloneness.

So I began to ask the universe to please lead My Love back home. I continued with, change his heart fast and don’t make this a long process. As I said these words I realized I wasn’t giving anything up to the universe, I still believed I knew what was best and all I was asking for was what I wanted.

Letting go. I let go of My Love only because he walked out the door, only after he had used a crow bar to disconnect my hands from around his ankles. Having him leave has allowed me the opportunity to experience letting go of the results I think would be best. Do I still want him home? Yes, but differently because as he has said, what we had was good but we both want great.

I have had many opportunities in my life to practice letting go of what I want as an end result but perhaps this is the first time I am allowing it to happen with love and the presence of both myself and the other person. In the past I have allowed my emotions to dictate what I want, forgetting if I open my heart and mind, my greatest desires will be fulfilled.

I have to accept responsibility for closing a part of me that stores my desires and wants. Were some of my needs being met? Yes! Was I happy? Absolutely! Yet, I still denied other wants, romance, fire, and passion. I let them go.

I need to be sure when I am in a relationship that all parts exist that I want present. I need to be sure I don’t let go of me. It’s very easy to love and give, for me, its what I do best. But I need to be sure I am loved back with the same intensity and the same fire that I am giving.

So, My Love, I let you go. I let you go to find your greatest light, love and happiness. Now don’t get me wrong, my belief is he can find that here. We can create magic here. But I can’t be the magician and the lovely assistant. I need a partner to make this show a success.

My Love, I let you go so I can have my greatest light, love and happiness. I await what the universe will provide. I wait with my heart wide open. I move forward, letting go of the grief, anger, pain and open for joy and love. And hope our paths will cross again.

I let you go.